When I arrived in East Africa in 1968 after studying journalism, Father Joe Glynn, the regional superior at that time, said to me: "you remember those 'The Most Unforgettable Character I've Ever Met' stories in Reader's Digest. Well, I want you to visit all the Maryknollers in the Africa Region, then come back and tell me who is the most unforgettable character you've met." I started my travels, and after some months Joe asked me whom I had chosen. I said: "It's a tie between Eppy James and Zip Kuhn." So, in the rich tradition of Maryknoll story-telling, here are just a few of our Maryknoll "unforgettable characters" in Tanzania.

THE AFRICAN WORLD ACCORDING TO "EPPY"

Edward (Eppy) James stories and what are popularly called "Eppygrams" are legendary among Maryknollers throughout East Africa. Just when you think you've heard them all, someone will say: "I remember Eppy saying..." and a new round begins.

Eppy loved to eat and drink. He described a "cheap" happy hour that he went to in Mwanza: "All they had was beer and little cubicles of cheese." Another day after buying a defective part in Mwanza, he said: "I think I'll take it back to the store and get a reprobate." After visiting a pregnant woman in the Shinyanga Hospital Eppy said, "She had to have her Filipino tubes taken out." While preparing to go to the United States for Home Leave: "I'm going to put my car up on wheels," and on playing golf in Nairobi: "I hit the ball straight as a dial."

One winter, the day after arriving in a cold Buffalo, New York he said: "I'm going to J.C. Penny's to buy some turmoil underwear so I won't freeze to death" People ask where Eppy got his name. It seems that his twin sister found it easier to say "Eppy" than "Eddie." And so another story begins. . .

But the story of Eppy James is more than these little humorous anecdotes and quotations. For the special story of Father Eppy James, M.M. is his "last year of grace." Even today Maryknollers' eyes well up as they describe Eppy's last year in the States. Eppy, Mike Pierce and Sharpie Graser lived and worked together in the Buffalo Development House. All three were independent?minded Maryknollers with many years of missionary experience in Tanzania. What a unique triumvirate that was!

Later Eppy got sick and was diagnosed with a very painful throat cancer. His last year "on duty" was in the St. Louis Development House. As another Maryknoller from Tanzania describes it: "Toward the end Eppy got it all together. It was an incredible story." Eppy cheerfully accepted his cancer and continued development work like a real trouper. He became especially kind and had almost a spiritual glow about him. As one Maryknoller said of Eppy's last year. "God's grace was truly at work."

STORIES BY AND ABOUT OTHER UNFORGETTABLE CHARACTERS

William (Boof) Collins was the superior of the first group of four Maryknoll priests who came to Tanzania in 1946. While he was reluctant to assume this leadership role he said: "Maryknoll has done everything it could for me, so whatever I can do to repay in some small way my debt to Maryknoll is hereby offered." Willie had a very cheerful personality and an ever-ready sense of humor. He was described as "full of the devil at recreation and full of the angels at the times of spiritual exercises." After being elected to the Maryknoll General Council in 1956 he said, "I have been elected to the council for comic relief."

One Sunday he was giving a homily in the large pulpit in Nyegina Parish in Musoma Diocese. Although Willie was preaching very energetically, there was no response from the people and they even seemed half asleep. So he turned to the wall and continued his homily. He said: "I might as well be preaching to the wall for all the interest I am getting." At other times he would crouch down behind the large pulpit and continue speaking in order to get the attention of the passive congregation.

William (Rab) Murphy came to Tanzania in 1948. He had his own unique version of the classic Murphy's Law: "If you are driving along a Tanzanian road and suddenly come upon a sheep in the middle of the road – which ever way you swerve, the sheep is certain to jump right into the path of your oncoming truck." Looking at the African reality another Maryknoller added O'Leary's Corollary: "Murphy was an optimist."

Whenever Rab drove from Issenye Parish into Musoma Town he tried to leave very early so as not to be besieged for rides. One morning he firmly decided not to take any more passengers in the back of his pick-up truck. Then he spotted a small group of people standing by the road waving for a ride. Further down the road he saw a policeman friend of his standing alone under a tree and also gesturing for a lift. Rab cleverly decided to speed past the small group of people, stop suddenly in front of the policeman and give only him a ride. This worked perfectly except that four boys were hiding in the tree. When Rab stopped to pick up the policeman, the boys jumped into the back of the truck.

Ed Wroblewski tells a story called Putting People Before the Mail: "When I used to visit Rab Murphy in Issenye Parish I always brought his mail and back issues of the International Herald Tribune. Sometimes it would be a pack of letters covering two or three weeks. Most missionaries after greeting the visitor would leaf through their mail or check out an important sports score or a favorite cartoon. But not Rab! He would take the mail and put it aside saying 'This can wait.' Then he would welcome me and sit down and talk. 'How are you doing? How are the Red Sox doing? What are the other Maryknollers up to?' Sometimes we would talk for hours. Rab was always concerned how I was doing and if I needed anything. Yes, Rab Murphy taught me the meaning of hospitality!"

Rab claimed that in all his years in Africa he never got malaria. It was always "a mild case of the flu." One memorable moment was his wake in the chapel at the Maryknoll Language School in Makoko. Many Maryknollers, Tanzanian priests and sisters and other friends of Rab sat around telling stories about this beloved missionary. Many comments were personal tributes to Rab Murphy and expressions of gratitude and appreciation for his presence and help in people's lives. Those present recalled human interest anecdotes, humorous tales and examples of Rab's homespun philosophy. The stories and memories flowed naturally and spontaneously. The warm, personable, lovable and generous missionary clearly shone through. It was a genuine African wake of celebration.

Charlie Callahan was one of the most colorful Maryknollers in Tanzania. He was a wonderful raconteur, but when someone tried to lay it on too thick Charlie would say, "Don't try to B.S. a B.S'er." His version of the "principle of good faith" when dealing with urgent pastoral problems at the far end of Shinyanga Diocese was: "Use your head, follow your conscience, and leave the bishop in good faith."

"Cal," as he was often called, was very playful and a great kidder. The Apostolic Nuncio in Eastern Africa didn't know English very well. When he came to the Maryknoll Society House in Nairobi for practice in conversation, Charlie enjoyed talking to him. The nuncio followed the principle of "when in doubt, say yes." So to Charlie's questions such as "How is your house?" and "How is the food" the archbishop would answer "Yes, Yes." When Charlie went on with questions such as "How is your wife" and 'How are your children" the nuncio would continue to answer "Yes, Yes."

When the vicar general of the Discalced Carmelites stayed overnight at the Nairobi house, Charlie asked him many questions about the monastic vocation and said that he himself might even have a contemplative vocation. When the visitor said the Carmelites get up at 4 a.m. to pray, Charlie expressed great interest and then said in a causal way, "Well, I get up at 3 a.m. every morning." Very impressed, the vicar general asked Cal what he did at such an early time. Charlie said: "Take a pee."

During the last few months of Charlie's life, his classmate George Egan took special care of him in Nairobi. When another Maryknoller praised George's kindness and devotion, Charlie "poo-poohed" this dedicated service saying, "Now if the helper was a beautiful young nurse, that would be different." Cal wanted to die with his boots on and a smile on his lips. He preferred a joyful Irish wake to a solemn burial. During the last week of his life Charlie pointed to his liquor cabinet and said: "When I go, make sure that the Maryknollers have a good time."

Kevin Dargan tells the deeply moving story of Charlie's last day at Mwadui Mine before his medical flight to Nairobi calling it An African Farewell For Charlie. Several thousand Tanzanians gathered near the airstrip at Mwadui Mine and in profound silence "sat with" and paid tribute to their dying beloved pastor and friend. One Maryknoller described Charlie's later burial in Shinyanga as "the most glorious I have ever shared in. The view of the body took one and a half hours. Two thousand people passed by the coffin, not even pausing on the way."

Lou (Buck) Bayless is another member of the first group of Maryknoll priests who came to Tanzania. In the African tradition Bayless is now a revered "Mzee" ("Elder"). He is the only Maryknoller to live and work in Tanzania for all these 50 years. Lou's advice to a young Maryknoller just starting out in Africa is: "Keep your mouth closed, your bowels open and your feet dry." On driving a car or motorcycle safely he says: "Drive to inspire not to expire." One wonders how well Lou takes his own advice.

At Iramba Parish a young Tanzanian priest used to drive a motorcycle very, very fast. The local Christians said he was only the second fastest motorcycle driver they had ever seen. The fastest was Father Lou Bayless when he was a young priest many years ago. "In March, 1950 I was driving a four-wheel drive Jeep to Maji Moto in Iramba Outstation in Musoma Vicariate. I came to a drift filled with water from a flash flood. I tried to barrel through the water using my four-wheel drive. Halfway across the cement roadbed the jeep stalled. The heavy current pushed the jeep off the cement and it sank. Escaping from the submerged car, I grabbed onto a small tree. A rumor circulated that I had been swept away and lost in the Mara River. But 30 minutes later the water subsided and I took all the equipment out of the Jeep. All our Christmas mail was soaked. My safari was cancelled and the jeep was taken by lorry to Musoma for overhaul."

As a born storyteller Lou can go on and on describing his humorous experiences and adventures. "During the recreation period after supper at Nyegina Brother Wilfred told us the story of the missionary who went out hunting. The priest parked his motorcycle, then went wandering about the countryside looking for antelopes. But he saw none. At last he came upon a small bush. He stopped short, leveled his gun at what appeared to be a pair of antlers and fired. He took two more shots to make sure of his kill. He gingerly walked up to the spot where he expected to find the dead antelope. To his surprise and consternation he found his motorcycle riddled with holes and gasoline pouring out of the perforated fuel tank. The handle bars were the antlers he had seen."

Joe Trainor also has many travel stories. Once he was driving from Nyarombo to Tarime Parish in Musoma Diocese. He agreed to take passengers in his pick-up truck, but only those going all the way to Tarime. He emphasized: "No intermediate stops!" At Sokorabolo marketplace, the riders in the back banged on the roof of the truck's cabin, gesturing vigorously, but Joe refused to stop. After arriving in Tarime he asked the passengers why they banged on the cabin 15 miles back when they knew he had said "No stops." "We didn't want to get out," they answered, "we just wanted to tell you that your spare tire fell off."

An old woman asked Joe Trainor for a lift from Nyegina Parish to Musoma Town, eight miles away. Joe explained that he wasn't leaving for two hours, but if she was still walking on the road later in the day he would help her. When he finally set out, his Volkswagen Combi was packed. Along the road he passed the old woman who gestured vigorously for Joe to stop. Filled with guilt, Joe jumped out of the cab and forcefully told the woman: "If you can find a place in this packed car you can get a ride." She slowly circled around the Combi and saw a passenger sitting in every available seat. When she came to the driver's place she said, "Look, Padre, here's a free seat. I'll sit here."

When Joe was assigned to Mohoji Parish in Musoma Diocese, the Pastor Joe Corso stood up at the next Sunday Eucharist to introduced the newly arrived priest. Corso said: "Since we already have one Father Joseph living here in our parish, the new priest will be called Father Patrick." Trainor was flabbergasted and his later comments best go unrecorded.

James (Zip) Kuhn is a delightful "Mr. Blue" character who tied for first place with Eppy James in my initial survey. When I first arrived at Tatwe Parish in Musoma Diocese he told me: "Well, you have just been on the $20 road" meaning that on the final stretch to his parish a person always did $20 dollars damage to the car. Jim had two Jeeps when he lived in Ingri Parish in Musoma Diocese. After a heavy rain he tried to cross the Mori River, but one wheel slipped over the edge of the cement drift. He walked back to Ingri to get the second Jeep. The tank was empty so he had to take gasoline from his motorcycle. Finally he returned to the river to try to pull out the Jeep. Before he finished attaching the chains the first Jeep was swept completely off the drift. It floated ten feet away, turned over and sank. With the heavy rains the river stayed high. A week later Jim came back, found the Jeep under water and pulled it out. It was filled with sand. "At least we got two free wheel barrows of sand out of this," he commented. All in a day's work!

While driving from Bura Tana to Nairobi in a truck filled with containers of a ton of honey the steering column broke. The truck veered to the right and turned over in a deep gully. Jim said: "When we turned over, the wall on the far side of the gully cushioned our fall letting us down in almost slow motion." Out of 35 containers of honey only one was stolen. The always optimistic Kuhn noted: "It was the ending of a bittersweet tale."

Frank Flynn is one of Maryknoll's unforgettable characters still active in Musoma Diocese. He has earned the reputation of being a rugged, indestructible bush missionary. In one famous direct encounter between Frank and his motorcycle and an oncoming lorry, it was almost a standoff. Frank has always lived simply but remembers how Maryknollers tried to improve their living conditions from the early days "which earned me at Kiagata and other Maryknollers the uncomplimentary but justified remark [from the Missionaries of Africa] that we bought a 'fridge' and built a whole mission around it."

If we staged a wordless pantomime of the main traits of different Maryknollers, the portrait of Frank would show him looking inside a car engine. After arriving at one of the Maryknoll houses, Lawrence Flynn commented: "The ten-mile trip with Frank took three hours because every five minutes he stopped to take the engine apart."

Once Frank and Dick Quinn decided to travel on a short cut track through the northern part of the Serengeti National Park. The track deteriorated until it disappeared. The two Maryknollers drove on by guesswork, following the sun. The six- hour short cut lengthened into three days. They had no choice but to camp out in the park. They used up their extra water and petrol and ate zebra meat stolen from a lion kill. They both agreed that never did ugali and poached meat taste so sweet! During the night they were surrounded by vicious hyenas. They began wondering: "Is this the end? Are we going to die here in the middle of Tanzania's most famous game park?"

Dick Quinn (about whom many other stories could be told) decided to make a "General Confession" to prepare for the worst. After finishing he expected Frank to offer his own "General Confession." Frank ignored the assumption. In his version, he said that right across the next ridge was the town of Mugumu so there was nothing to worry about. Oh, yes, they made it out of the park and the versions of their story are too numerous to tell.

Joe Trainor accidentally dropped his glasses down the outdoor toilet at Tatwe Parish. The houseboy Johannes "fished" them out for 40 Tanzanian shillings (about $6). Later Frank Flynn arrived on his motorcycle covered with mud and said: "I would have gone down there for only 10 shillings (about a dollar and a half)." Trainor commented: "You look like you've been down there already." Incidents like this helped Frank to always make the List of "10 Best Dressed Maryknollers."

For over forty years Don Sybertz has been very close to the Sukuma people. With his low-key, laid-back style he never worries about time. The local people say "Father Donati can out-Sukuma the Sukuma." Their deep affection for him is reflected in his local names that show he really belongs. Upon arriving in Kilulu Parish he was called "Mwana Helena" which means "Son of Helen," after his mother. Don's Sukuma name is "There Are No Weeds In My Field" which he applies to a conscientious way of living the Christian life. Letters are so rare from Don that they are framed by the receivers.

Don 's hobby and apostolate is collecting Sukuma proverbs, stories and songs. When Tom Shea pulled Don Sybertz's leg by making up the proverb "The dog is standing in the banana plantation," the Maryknoll community in Ndoleleji responded with its own proverb for Tom: "The person who makes up proverbs will be bitten by a dog." When asked if he ever got tired after collecting some 5,000 Sukuma proverbs, Don quoted the proverb that says That which is good is never finished.

Don loves "Spirituality and Sports" in that order, but sometimes his friends wonder. In a homily he explained his future apostolate as "emphasizing the adult catechumenate and improving my tennis game." He thinks that it is bad luck to listen for the sports scores of his favorite Boston teams on the radio so he always tries to get the news from others. One morning after vesting for mass in the sacristy at Ndoleleji, he formally processed over to another priest and whispered, "Did the Celtics win last night?"

Folklore is starting to build up around Don. Once he and John Wohead were leaving Mwanza Airport together to fly to Nairobi and continue on to the USA for Home Leave. Don had sent his passport to the United States Embassy in Dar es Salaam to get it renewed but didn't tell anyone. Upon arriving at the Mwanza Airport he calmly told John and the other Maryknollers that he didn't have his passport. But he said it should be coming in the mail bag on the incoming plane from Dar es Salaam, the very plane that was taking them to Nairobi. When the plane arrived Don arranged for the postmaster to open the mail bag right there on the runway. He found a letter for Don with his passport inside, and with a big smile on his face, held it up for everyone to see. There was a big cheer from all the passengers on the same flight. Shortly afterwards Don and John boarded the same plane and flew off on their trip.

On another occasion Sybertz and Wohead traveled through Europe together. John made all the arrangements for hotels, transportation , tours, etc. After several weeks John got tired of being the "manager" and said: "Don, starting right now you're in charge of making all our arrangements!" For Don this was easy. The next day he booked his own flight to Boston.

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